Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
