I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
