I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
