why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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