I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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