Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
