I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
