you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
