someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
