I think I won the penis lottery.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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