apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
