You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
