I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
