You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
