Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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