News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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