The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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