Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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