He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
