I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
