is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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