Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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