DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
