There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
They are going to name an STD after you.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
