i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
