My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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