You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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