By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
