I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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