Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
