I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
