I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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