Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
two words...techno handjob
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
