i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
