i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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