Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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