genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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