Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
COCAINE IS GR8
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
