Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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