Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
