my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Randomize
