i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
