question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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