my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
