There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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