my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
