I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
