plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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