Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
