life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Drake has all the answers
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
