I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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