It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
