Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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