I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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