My friends, they love my intelligence
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Who put my cat in the fridge?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
