cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
