Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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