Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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