I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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