The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
