Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
